Behind Closed Doors
by TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds
Summary: Sanae just wants to talk to Zetsu but all that changes when she hears what keeps him up at night...T for sexual hints. OC, but no pairings/romance.


"Zetsu?" she asked poking her head in the humid room. "Sanae" said the voice from inside **"what do you need?"** Sanae entered and sat on the bed, knees drawn up facing the black and white human Venus flytrap sitting cross-legged across the bed "just wanted to talk" she chirped curling her tail around her legs "Konan's always in Leader-sama's room so it's kinda lonely" she tilted her head "Konan and Leader-sama? When did this happen?" Sanae opened her mouth but was cut off **"idiot you don't use your eye do you?" **black Zetsu sniffed "**they've been at it for weeks now" **"well how am I supposed to know?" **"I knew" **Sanae watched in amusement as the halves argued with each other. "Black Zetsu's right…since they got together three weeks ago Konan's come back to the room maybe twice…it's lonely without someone to talk to" her face fell. White Zetsu patted her on the shoulder "you can talk to us" he smiled and Black Zetsu sighed **"if you must" **Sanae giggled

"What is up with all these new relationships?" White Zetsu wondered and Black Zetsu groaned **"don't remind me" **"a little hard when that's all we hear at night" Sanae looked puzzled "what do you mean?" she asked and Black Zetsu sighed **"Hidan and Kakuzu" **"they're always going at it" **"and they're not quiet about it. I have half a mind to announce to the Akatsuki that they're doing their little fuck-buddy thing" **Sanae gasped "you're joking!" her eyes widened "Hidan and Kakuzu? But they hate each other's guts!" Zetsu shrugged "you wouldn't know it from their 'midnight rides'" Black Zetsu snorted **"that's a gross understatement…besides it's not always midnight"** he mumbled. Sanae's eyes were the size of dinner plates "I knew about Kisame and Itachi but Hidan and Kakuzu…that explains a lot!" she giggled. Zetsu nodded "it gets pretty loud" **"and pretty perverted" **"remember that one time?" **"When Kakuzu cut off Hidan's head and made him beg?" **Sanae gagged "ZETSU!" she said "I don't want to know!" Zetsu looked at her sideways **"don't complain" **Black Zetsu muttered **"we have to listen to it" **Sanae kissed him on the cheek "sorry Zets…it sounds miserable" she said and curled her arms around her knees.

Her eyes widened "hey wait a minute…" she said and counted on her fingers "10-1 (cause Sasori died) is 9 so out of 9 of us 4 are gay" Zetsu laughed at the expression on her face **"nice to know" **Black Zetsu said wryly. Sanae shook her head when the door next to Zetsu's room opened. Zetsu groaned and motioned towards the wall. Sanae tilted her head in confusion and Zetsu mimed leaning against the wall. Sanae was mystified but did as she was told. "Ohh Kakuzu" she heard Hidan moan, her green eyes widened "Kakuzu" Hidan kept repeating and Sanae clapped her hands over her mouth in part to stifle a giggle but mostly in shock.

The moans, grunts and 'yeahh's' grew louder and Sanae heard a slicing sound followed by a squishing noise "oh my Jashin…yeahhh" Hidan said and Sanae couldn't help it: she snorted with barely controlled laughter. Zetsu wrapped his arms around her from behind and covered her hands over her mouth to make sure a sound didn't escape. She was shaking with laughter as the groans and grunts grew even louder Kakuzu's name resounding more often but Hidan's name escaped too. She pushed off the wall, forgetting Zetsu was behind her.

The pair went crashing to the bed Sanae lying on Zetsu's chest and laughing weakly as tears streamed down her face. Zetsu was chuckling too; she could feel the rumble beneath her **"that's what we have to put up with" **Black Zetsu said sobering first. Sanae hugged him "I'm sorry Zets…that sounds miserable" they heard a loud moan and burst into another fit of laughter.

The door slammed open "what is going on in here yeah?" said the voice from the door. Zetsu and Sanae took one look at the confused, slightly shocked and rather jealous look on Deidara's face and laughed even harder. The sight they must have made: 5'0" tall Sanae with tears streaming down her face in hysterics on top of the 5'9" plant-man also in hysterics. They finally managed to slightly sober up and Sanae was about to explain their disheveled state when another loud moan echoed from the room next to them causing the pair to lose it again. Deidara was looking slightly irritated at being ignored until the moan sounded. Confusion flitted across his face and he leaned his head against the wall.

Deidara's expression slowly changed from irritation to shock as he glanced at the pair on the bed. A silent communication passed: Zetsu nodded and Deidara's mouth dropped open. As he listened he began to see what was so funny and eventually joined the pair in hysterics. Sanae finally managed to gain the strength to climb off Zetsu and off the bed where, after hearing another raucous moan she collapsed against Deidara losing control yet again. Deidara was glad Hidan chose that moment to moan because now he quite happily wrapped his arms around the small cat-girl while they choked on laughter. The room next door finally quieted down and it took about five minutes for the trio to finally sober up completely. The resulting scene, had anyone walked in, would have been questionable: Zetsu lying on the bed holding his stomach, Deidara sprawled on the floor spread-eagled arms wrapped around Sanae who had ended up sitting between his legs. Not to mention the dried tear-stains and gasping for breath.

Fortunately nobody happened to walk in and they managed to stand up. "What are we gonna do?" Sanae asked looking up at the taller men. Deidara and Zetsu exchanged glances "what we usually do" White Zetsu said **"we pretend like nothing happened"**. Deidara and Sanae nodded in confirmation and composing themselves one last time they exited the room.

But the minute they entered the kitchen and saw Hidan sitting at the table his scythe leaning against him and Kakuzu digging in the fridge and muttering about grocery bills, Deidara and Sanae had to excuse themselves rather quickly. Sanae was rapidly failing at concealing her laughter as Deidara pulled her down the hallway. They tumbled into his room and the laughter started up again. It was weeks before they could face Hidan and Kakuzu without laughing but they did spend a LOT more time in Zetsu's bedroom causing the rest of the Akatsuki to wonder about the random bursts of laughter from behind the closed door.


End file.
